So...obviously September was a busy month. I apologize for not posting again until now, but at this moment I do have a major reason to be writing.
Last Friday, September 30 at 10AM marked the opening performance for Saint Louis Shakespeare's production of Henry V. This also marked my first performance with this tremendous company of theatre artists.
For our first performance the audience was packed with well over 100 students from schools in the Saint Louis area. A majority of the students were in high school. Before walking onstage I found myself getting really nervous and I wasn't exactly sure why.
We had rehearsed for weeks. I knew all my lines. I knew my blocking. I was ready for this. But, the one thing that made it all different was the audience. But it wasn't just the "what" of having an audience in front of the stage...it was the "who" as in the makeup of the audience...high school students. Students are honest. They don't hide what they're thinking or feeling to protect someone's feelings. They are blunt. They tell it like they see it. Would they tell me exactly what they saw?
I was nervous that instead of being judged on my character or my acting ability, I would be judged by my appearance. I'm a big guy. I'm 6' 5". I wear a size 14 shoe. And I've got a gut. Would a completely student audience not be able to look beyond that and see all that I had worked on? I wasn't sure.
The first time I walked on that stage...I found my answer. I heard the chuckles and the giggles. I heard the whispers and I knew exactly what they were in response to. They were in response to me. Not my costume. Not my delivery of the lines. But...me.
It hit me surprisingly harder than I thought it would. But then, as quickly as it hit...I pushed it away. I had a job to do. I had a role to portray. And the thing I told myself was...they are laughing at Nym. Nym is a big coward. I remember saying in my mind...
"Andrew. You are not a big coward. Nym is. They are laughing at Nym."
And from that point on. I was fine. I will admit that I was out of it for a second or two. I was self conscious of what was going on. But, from that point on...it was on.
I've been learning something ever since graduation from college. It was something I never could learn while a student because I wasn't ready. I always thought that my body was going to continually hold me back. I would never play Romeo. I would never be that lead actor that won the heart of a beautiful leading actress. And no matter how many amazing opportunities I had, that was always in the back of my mind. It was stupid. It was jealousy and fear creeping up...continually! I would feel sorry for myself and then I would feel even worse because I knew I shouldn't be having those thoughts.
But, since I've gotten to Saint Louis, I've realized that I'm okay with that. I'm okay with who I am. No, I'm happy with who I am. I've learned that what I have won't play Romeo, but it might play the Clown in A Winter's Tale. It might play Launce in Two Gentlemen of Verona. And those are great roles!
Nym has taught me a lot. He has taught me to accept who I am. It's a concept I am (definitely) not used to, but when that I am growing to truly appreciate.
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